Rupert Pupkin Speaks: "Bad" Movies We Love Guest Post: Rockie Juarez ""

Friday, July 6, 2012

"Bad" Movies We Love Guest Post: Rockie Juarez

 Rockie Juarez writes for Isle of Cinema( and works at the great Vulcan Video in Austin, Texas. A swell fella. He can be found on twitter @RockieWarAntz.


Gymkata (1985)
Gymkata is what happens when you cast an olympian, in this case the gymnast Kurt Thomas, and thrust him into the jaws of an action film.  The carcass left behind is not a pretty sight.  Kurt plays Jonathan Cabot, son of a former operative asked to secure a perfect "star wars" site for the United States.  Bum deal considering it's in Parmistan(fictional country), land of the freaky ass people who carry pitchforks and wear black cloaks.  Jonathan has to participate in a little thing these foreigners call "The Game" which is a rugged and raw endurance test loaded with ways to die.  Fun stuff for us because here is where we get every excuse in the fucking book to give us gymnastic flavored kung fu.  In fact, there is a scene with a concrete pommel horse(why the pommel horse is there to begin with still keeps me up at night) that will destroy any sanity you have.  I love you Gymkata for failing to marry gymnastics and martial arts.  I truly do.  

Tango & Cash (1989)
There are bad guys that are out of control.  Tango and Cash played by Balboa and Plisken go crush them. The End.  Tango & Cash is the buddy cop movie formula put in the front seat of a GTO and driven into a wall at 105 mph.  There is a stink on this film's script that is so, how do I put it, cocaine that it might keep you up at night.  This movie has no regard.  It copies the Lethal Weapon partner dynamic, one crazy partner and one uptight partner.  Within the first ten minutes Tango & Cash completely rips off an action sequence from Jackie Chan's action masterwork Police Story, characters make references to Stallone's past roles, "He thinks he's Rambo!"  Stallone asks Kurt Russell if he "bumped uglies" with his sister.  Jack Palance is the bad guy.  Stallone says it best: this film is "Action.  Good old American action." Oh, and the heroes get a bulletproof heavily armed truck to fight the main baddies in the finale ala Gary Busey in Eye Of The Tiger.  It's.  Too. Much. To. Handle.  People.  

Hudson Hawk (1991)
Bruce Willis plays Hudson Hawk the best cat burglar in the world.  Hudson finds himself in a pinch as he's forced to steal a priceless Da Vinci artifact for some shady characters.  Hudson Hawk is Bruce Willis's Last Action Hero.  Everyone wanted McClane or another tough cat cut from that same cloth.  But what they got was a film jam packed with sing along moments, villains named after candy bars(David Caruso as Kit Kat is my personal favorite), and a 'we got our degree from 3 Stooges U' attitude.  Non stop with it's bat shit crazy, Hudson Hawk is a wonderful box office disaster that is fully self aware it's a slap stick comedy. Director Michael Lehmann choses to channel Blind Date Bruce, and that's a beautiful thing.  Here Bruce is swinging from the comedy fences again(also see the TV show Moonlighting), and while not all the jokes succeed the hustle is definitely there.          

 The Core (2003)
An all star cast has no choice but to to drill down to the Earth's core and "reset it" after it stops working.  You see, when the core stops working, the Earth shits the bed.  We are subject to severe storms, dead birds, and the elderly dropping like flies for having pacemakers.  This will not, no, can not stand.  This film is trying to be an adventure/drama with plenty of CRY NOW moments, but only succeeds in being a full tilt laugh riot.  Not a single crew member aboard this suicidal mission stands out, nor are they likeable. Example: they hire the world's greatest hacker.  WHY?  So he can HACK THE PLANET.  Another bit about this comedy I love is the constant amount of bickering that takes place between the crew as they drill to the sweet, sweet center of out tainted sphere. You see, it makes sense in Armageddon because they were just oil rig duders in space.  Free bickering reign.  Here you have a crew made up of the best this and the best that and all they do is fight all the way down to the Earth's bubbly guts.  Please do not miss this train wreck. "Feel free to throw up. I know I did."  Well said Aaron Eckhart.  Well said.  

Gleaming The Cube (1989)
Christain Slater plays a skater (marinate on that for a second). A skater out for justice! His adopted brother is slain after discovering a gun running plot.  To make matters worse the police are no help, to them it's a suicide. Slater The Skater fucking knows better.   His bro was done wrong, he goes against criminals and cops alike to get to the bottom of the murder.  Extracting his version of skate or die street vengeance.  This film will make you believe in Slater's skateboard abilities by only filming him from the waist up, all the while flailing his arms as the director cuts to skating professionals only being filmed from the waist down. Movie magic at it's best. It will also make you believe that metal wheels are perfect for riding on concrete. Ideal for both speed and Method Air face smashing.  Gleaming The Cube thought it was cool when it first dropped, but in fact it's only cool now because of how off their idea of cool was.  Best if seen with Thrashin' & Rad.   


Phantom of Pulp said...

Great list! GLEAMING THE CUBE is ridiculous. Unfortunately, I've seen it more than 20 times because I was once a VHS dubber and the company I worked for had an order for 10,000 copies. That was a lot of Slater The Know-All Skater scabbing up the screens in the dubbing bays.

Good call on THE CORE, too.

Robert M. Lindsey said...

My wife loves Tango and Cash!