Mitch can be found and read at The Video Vacuum:
also on twitter @TheVideoVacuum.
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THE VIDEO
VACUUM’S BAD MOVIES WE LOVE LIST
As long as there have been movies, there have been
bad movies. I think that’s important to
remember. Hollywood has been grinding
out stinkers since celluloid was invented.
And they will continue to do so until the end of time. No matter how many good movies are made, the
bad movies will always outnumber the good.
In honor of Hollywood’s history of bad movies, I’ve selected one film
from each decade that speaks to the bad movie lover in me, and I hope; all of
you. I unabashedly love all of these
films (some for all the wrong reasons) and have watched them several times over
the years. In fact, I have watched each
of them more than any of the Oscar winners for Best Picture from the past ten
years.
The “Scare Films” of the 30’s are a healthy source
of bad movie bliss. This is the most
famous and for my money, funniest one.
The shots of wild-eyed Dave O’Brien furiously puffing away at the cursed
devil marijuana weed are unforgettable.
And remember, if you smoke pot, it will give you the uncanny ability to
play piano like Chico Marx. TELL YOUR
CHILDREN—This movie is hilarious.
Dave O’Brien also appears in this film, but this is
Bela Lugosi’s show all the way. He plays
a disgraced scientist who wants to kill all the people who laughed at him. So he gets back at them in the nuttiest way
you’ve ever seen. First, he gives them
some scented aftershave to dab on their neck.
Then he trains his giant ass bat to hate the smell of the aftershave. Then he unleashes the bat on them and it tears
their throat out! Unbelievable. And the way Bela says, “Goodbye” to his
victims is priceless. This is just as
much fun as Plan 9 if you ask me.
I’m not sure why, but when I close my eyes and
think about “bad movies”, the first image that pops in my head is a 50 foot
tall Allison Hayes walking through a small town screaming, “HARRY!!!” Attack of the 50 Foot Woman has everything
you could possibly want from a 50’s sci-fi movie: Aliens, giants, awful effects, and the word
“Attack” in the title. Not only that,
but it’s also the first feminist movie of the Atomic Age! You grow, girl!
The mind boggles at The Horror of Party Beach. Not only does it contain some of the daffiest
monsters ever seen on this or any screen (they look like they have a dozen hot
dogs sticking out of their mouth), it also has one of the stupidest heroes ever
(he can’t even be bothered to look in the phone book to find a lab that has the
substance needed to kill the monsters), one of the least convincing biker gangs
in history (they look like French tourists), and some of the whitest white
people doing the whitest white people dancing you’ve ever seen. It DOES have a terrific soundtrack, including
the immortal “Zombie Stomp”. Frankie
Avalon never made a Beach Party movie like this.
There was a temptation to put Glen or Glenda on
this list, but Let Me Die a Woman is like a hundred times more off the chain
(and graphic) than that flick. Besides,
this movie shows what Glen or Glenda could only hint at: An actual transgender operation! But that’s not even the most memorable
scene. That award goes to the scene
involving a hammer, a chisel… and a penis.
Do yourself a favor and see it… uncut.
Elves is one of the most insane movies ever
made. It’s all about Neo Nazis creating
elves to mate with inbred virgins on Christmas Eve to spawn the Master
Race. (Oh, and there’s only one elf,
but… never mind.) Naturally, the only
man who can stop them is Grizzly Adams. The
scene where he busts in on a professor’s Christmas dinner and demands to know
the skinny on the Nazi elves is a classic.
This is the only movie I know of that rips off both Chinatown AND Dawn
of the Dead. I love this flick so much
that ever since 1994 I’ve made it a tradition to watch it at Christmas time
with my family and friends. It sure
beats It’s a Wonderful Life.
Of course the perfect companion piece to Elves is
Jack Frost. I was going to put another
movie in this slot, but I just couldn’t write a piece about bad movies from the
90’s without mentioning this film. If
anything else, it features the most impressive acting debut of any actress
ever. Of course I’m talking about
Shannon Elizabeth. Not just anyone could
make their screen debut by playing a character that gets raped by a wisecracking
killer snowman. For most actresses, that
would’ve been a career ender. It takes
talent to get work after that.
THE 00’S: CORKY ROMANO
(2001)
Corky Romano is one of the strangest, yet oddly
compelling comedies I’ve ever seen.
Every cell in my brain tells me, “This isn’t funny”, yet somehow this
movie never fails to crack me up. The
scene where the sensitive veterinarian-turned-federal agent Corky (played with
tireless energy by Chris Kattan) is asked to give a lecture to a bunch of grade
school kids after inadvertently snorting a mess of cocaine is a laugh
riot. This movie was universally hated
upon release and has long been a go-to shorthand term in Hollywood for
describing a bad movie starring an SNL alum.
But, if you’re a lover of bad comedies, this is your Citizen Kane.
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